Why am I here?

Being a teenager was awful--sure, there were good moments and a handful of memories that still bring a smile to my face, but what I remember most about that season was the incredible loneliness, worthlessness and depression that I walked through to the point of wanting to take my life on several different occasions. Thankfully it was around the time that I was 19 that the Lord literally worked what I consider a miracle in my life when I realized the depression had left--and it has never again returned. My early twenties, while better than my teens, had its own challenges, most of which stemmed around overcoming that which I had walked through earlier on in my life.

The only reason I mention all of that is to emphasize to the highest exponential value possible how incredibly the Lord has worked in my life. I had no idea as a teenager who I was. I had no idea what I was put on this earth to do. Even as a young twenty-something, I didn't have any of this figured out. Sure, maybe by my early twenties I had a little more figured out than my teens, but really, I still found myself disliking more about myself than I liked--the scale was tipped on the wrong side.

I have loved my late twenties, which I cringe even at saying--LATE TWENTIES!!! What in the world?!? When did I get so old? It is with that said though, that I have to say in the same moment that I wouldn't trade it for the world--I love the spot I am in even with the age it is attached to because I have finally reached a point of loving who I am, faults and all, and knowing what it is that God has put me on this earth to do.

The journey has been incredible and God has been so good. What I have learned about myself over the past few years is the following...

Strengths (from Strengthsquest):
Relator - I love people
Connectedness - I connect the dots of life
Responsibility - you can count on me
Achiever - I have to accomplish something each day
Developer - I take something/someone from good to better

Spiritual Gifts:
Shepherding - I love walking through life with people
Wisdom - being a vessel of God's words
Service - meeting practical needs
Giving - giving is giving, what else can I say? :)
Discernment - spiritual differentiation of good and bad

Redemptive Gift: (see plumbline.org for this one)
Servant - I am wired to serve

I learned all of the above things at different times, but all within the same window of time, and as I kept learning new things about myself and resonating with each strength/gift, I literally had a light bulb go on in me each time there was something new determined. It was as if each new reality was lighting the way to me getting one step closer to recognizing who I am in Jesus and why I am here at this very moment in history. I felt like in a matter of months, I received an answer to a question that millions of people spend their lives chasing: "Why am I here?"

In one moment, I'm thinking, "Eek, I'm 28!" as though it's a bad thing to be that old already, but in another moment soon after, I'm thinking, "Wow, I'm 28" and I've still got the rest of my life to walk and grow in the strengths and gifts that have been given to me. What a blessing.

I have found over the last few years that I am happiest when I am walking in my strengths and gifts. It would be an absolute waste if I was to stay distracted with wanting what others have and not giving value to what God Himself has placed in me. I am so blessed to be at a place where I love what He's given me. I love serving--nothing makes me happier than making another person's day easier and meeting their practical needs. I love discipling--nothing makes me happier than walking alongside someone who needs a supporter, someone to tell them that they are going to make it and that it will someday all be worth, someone to say, "I've been there and it sucked but look at how the Lord has been faithful" and someone to simply share in the journey so a person isn't alone in it. I also love to be used by the Lord--to be trusted by Him to impart His wisdom on others. So often I have had the most ridiculous words come out of me that seriously were not from me. It is moments like those when I literally have to pause and shake my head in wonder and amazement at the incredible life I get to walk with Jesus.

I loved the last two weeks at the Stirring--I am thankful this is a journey I have already been on for the last few years--and I am thankful to be able to lend the experience of my journey to others who are just now beginning on their own. There is absolutely nothing better on this earth than walking in the love of Jesus--and I can't help but believe that some of our best moments of loving are when we are most walking with Him in the gifts He has given us to live our lives at their best. Why would we want anything less?

Undeserved, unexpected and so much better!

I had the opportunity this weekend to reflect on my life. I was looking forward to this weekend’s Stirring women’s retreat mostly to get to know some new people--and to get to know those I already knew a little bit better--and then I started getting sick and felt like the weekend might not be as much fun as I had previously hoped it would be. I think that’s what makes this blog ten times more amazing though than it ever could have been had I not been feeling so not myself.

While there are circumstances in my life that I would love to see change, this weekend they seemed so small in comparison to the greater scope of my life. My life...and most importantly what Jesus has done in my life...overwhelms me. I remember commenting to a friend a few years ago that parts of my past felt made-up in my mind because of how much had changed for me--well, if I thought that was true a few years ago, it is infinitely more true now. My life is SO SO SO good and I absolutely love it. This can be a hard reality only when in the presence of people who do not share this sentiment about their own life, but it doesn’t change the fact that this is my reality and it is a reality that is available to everyone else as well.

Everything...absolutely everything...that has changed in me or my life has been so much more incredible than I ever could have imagined for myself at one point in my life. Everything from my job to my friends to my family to my ministry to my hopes and dreams for my future...God has far exceeded it all. I really felt the need this weekend to pause and reflect on how incredibly He has shown His love and delight in me in all that He has blessed me with. Not in a million years do I deserve it and there is absolutely no way that I ever expected it--and that is what makes it so 100% Him and 0% me.

God is to be glorified for it all and without Him none of my life would be, though the one thing I do feel I have done in cooperation with Him is I have given Him the door to my life. There were many times years ago that I refused to let Him in--refused to change and held onto the comfort of my misery with clenched fists. It’s been such a gradual letting go process, grieving, healing, renewing and growing and as I have opened myself to the Lord and what He has for me, He has done a work in me that can only be credited to Him.

I am so thankful for the many people in my life who have walked it all out with me--they have been tangible daily expressions of Jesus' love for me and it is because of their impact on me that I am now able to live out my life in a way that is impacting others for the Kingdom. I pray that I never cease to remember all that the Lord has done for me and all that He desires to continue to do as I live each day for Him.