The end is in sight...

A year and a half ago I set out on a journey. I wasn't sure then what it would all entail...I didn't know how I would change...I just knew it was what I needed to do. The Lord had so impressed it on me that I couldn't not do it, despite the worries, questions and unknowns. I have a great deal to process once I actually have the time to process, but what I can say now is it has been one of the most incredible and life-changing seasons in my life. What's funny is I still have worries, questions and unknowns...they are just now about different things. One of my favorite things about life and about our journey with the Lord is the hope of change, that we are not stuck being who we have always been. And how fitting to be going into a profession that embodies that very hope. I consider it such an honor and privilege to be able to offer people the hope that I have experienced, hope that has changed me and made me who I am. How great that our hope has a name. Jesus. Immanuel. God with us.

Matthew 1:23, "The virgin will be with child and will give birth to a son, and they will call him Immanuel"--which means, "God with us."

My House

As of two weeks ago I became a homeowner. Crazy. Part of me wasn't sure if it would ever really happen...and then it did. Extremely quickly. And not only did I buy a house, I bought THE house. Let me explain...

For years...6 years to be exact...I have driven by this house and LOVED it. I can't really explain why...I just have. There has always been something about it. It was easy to pass off over time as there just being things I liked about it...the fact that it was yellow, the fact that it had white shutters, the fact that it was in a great location...but I now understand and know that the Lord has all along been preparing me for this moment in time...and even for this house.

I watched the house go on the market and be sold twice in the span of time that I kept my eye on it. And both times I was sad that there was no way that I could have ever bought it at that time. It just wasn't the time for me yet. And then I started looking at houses this last year...not dead set on buying one...but open to the possibility...if the right one came along...all along just really loving this one.

One night in March I was driving to school from work and as I was driving by THE house, I said to the Lord, "It would be really great if you could put that house back on the market because I would really love to buy it." THE NEXT TIME I drove past it, there was a For Sale sign out front...no joke. I immediately called my realtor friend and set up an appt to see it. I couldn't have loved it more. So simple and basic, in need of some love, and just right for me. So I made an offer.

And then I waited. And waited. And waited some more.

Almost 3 months later, I heard the news that my offer had been accepted. And it was all set to happen during the one month that I had off of school. God's timing was perfect...no surprise there.

The picture above is of a group of people I love praying for my new home. I have not just dedicated my house to the Lord, I have given my house to the Lord. It is not mine; it is His. And I am so excited to see how the Lord chooses to use this special place in the years to come. To God be the glory. Amen.

Faithfulness

I don't want to say that I have given up on blogging...especially since that is the very thing I am doing right now...but it certainly has taken a back seat in the chaos that is currently my life :) I think so often about taking a moment or two to jot down what the Lord is showing me or teaching me but before I act on that thought, the day has ended and another has begun...only to have the same cycle happen all over again.

If I was to sum up the last few months of my life, the theme would be faithfulness...most specifically, God's faithfulness. I have questioned a number of things over the last few months...none all too earth shattering, but nonetheless important...and even in the midst of my very honest and real questions to the Lord about who He is and most specifically who He is in my life, He has shown Himself to me in even greater ways.

Lately, I think I have been struck more than anything else by the importance of our lens. I think that it is easy for any number of us to lose sight of what the Lord is doing...His presence...His power...His love...if all we see are the ways that we feel He has failed us. But what about all the times He has come through...has shown His presence...and His power...and His love? I find that the more I intentionally keep my focus on that, the less I stray into the heartache of the effects of our fallen world.

I read in a book recently that more than anything else, God just wants us to love Him. It is the only thing that He does not have the power to make us do. And it breaks my heart to think of all the times and ways when I have not loved Him well. I can't quite put into words yet what the Lord is doing in this season of my life...but even in outline form, it excites me...and I do love Him more because of it.

Jamie and Libbie

I've thought about blogging about Jamie and Libbie a million times before...don't know why I chose today as THE DAY that I would...but I felt it was time :) This past weekend marked 4 years of knowing them...4 YEARS! It was 4 years ago that I served as their winter camp counselor and little did I know at that time how significant they would become in my life. I remember meeting them and hearing their story...a story that was very familiar to mine...a story rich in God's love and grace as He called us out of families that did not know Him...and a story that was yet unfinished as we remained open to what the Lord was leading us into. Not only do I remember who they were then, but I also remember who I was...I was someone who rarely ever spoke up...someone who was more fearful than courageous...someone who was more awkward than confident...someone who knew more of the Lord than actually KNEW the Lord. It has been one of the most incredible journeys of my life...walking alongside each other...growing together...learning together...risking together...loving together. Nothing makes my heart happier than seeing them continue to say "yes" to more of the Lord in their lives...wanting His ways more than their own...inviting the Lord into every step of their journey in this life. What the Lord has taught me through my relationship with them is how much He desires to bless us and love us through relationships...in community...in family. For those of us who do not have family in the fullness of what the Lord desires for us, I have seen how He firsthand provides others to fill in the gap. It is a blessing that I will never fully comprehend in its greatness...though also a blessing that I will never ever cease to be thankful for. God is just plain good.

Gratitude

I have had a variety of different blogs mulling around in my brain over the last week...so much has happened...and there's so much I could say...but I think the focus of this blog is going to be gratitude...gratitude to the Lord for what He has done in me and gratitude to the people He has placed in my life who are an extension of His love to me.

I honestly have had so many moments in my life where I have had to pause and realize that the life I have today is nothing short of a miracle. I cannot help but to remember that the person I once was would not have ever opened herself up enough to receive the blessings that I now have in relationships. I do distinctly remember when the Lord started changing me in this area though...when He started calling out encouragement in me...and started teaching me to speak words that were life-giving rather than words that were spirit-crushing...when He started teaching me to not hold on to relationships with tight fists but to instead offer them to Him with open palms. And I have loved seeing how He has transformed my relationships with others as I have begun to walk more openly and freely with Him.

The end of last week was disappointing to me for a variety of reasons...and more than ever I was needing the Lord to just tell me that it was going to be ok...that He hadn't forgotten me...and that He did in fact hear me. And did He ever! This last week has been such an incredible display of the Lord's presence in my life. I cannot even begin to count the moments this past week when people just went above and beyond to appreciate me and love me...and I really don't think that they could ever know how much the Lord was using them in those moments to make it more evident than ever how much the Lord is in it with me. How much He does hear me. How much He does see me. How much He does believe in me. How much He does value me. And how much He does in fact love me...with a love that goes far beyond any other love I will ever know in this life.

I pray that we may all know the nearness of the Lord in our times of heartache and confusion...and that in His presence we may find the strength we need to keep hoping for that which seems impossible in our present circumstances. He is a God who loves to do the impossible, and may He receive all the glory when He does!

Prophetic...really?!?

So I had to take an assessment test for the Life Group that I am a part of...I wasn't really sure going into it what exactly it was going to "assess" about me...though I LOVE stuff like this so I was ready for whatever it said...or so I thought. Turns out the assessment is based on Ephesians 4:7, 11-12 and is meant to determine where you fall in the five ministry structures (or leadership styles) addressed in those verses.

I wasn't surprised at all when my top mode of leadership came out as Shepherding. What can I say, I absolutely LOVE walking with people through life...nurturing them, protecting them, caring for them...as they seek and grow in the Lord.

So, while I wasn't at all surprised by my top leadership strength, the second one caught me a bit by surprise. Prophetic. Really?!? Not that it is bad at all...just not a word I usually attach to my ministry or leadership style. I think I have been operating in a misunderstanding of the word for a long time now...and I suppose it is time for that to be corrected. Reading through the description was an "ah-hah" moment for me...it made many past experiences all of a sudden make sense...such as why I have felt such resistance from people at times when I felt such a need for something to happen in the church and why others just didn't see it the same way. Some of the key characteristics that stood out are "questions what has become normative", "disturbs common thinking and practice", "desires learning for purposes to influence", and "deep compassion for the cause of the people".

I really do love how the Lord has wired us all so differently...even though it does lead to frustration at times when we don't all see things the same way. I really do believe, though, that it is possible to get to a place where we are all appreciating and honoring the unique ways that the Lord has shaped us...our strengths, our giftings, our stories...it is crazy to think how unique we all are...and how the Lord desires to use each of us in that uniqueness. Such a fun life...and such a great God.

Doubt

I had a friend share last night that she doubts in God's existence...a lot...and this worries her...a lot. On went the counseling hat :) Yes, doubt can be bad...and even wrong...if we allow ourselves to pitch a tent and camp there. But the fact that my friend feels the way that she does didn't cause me a moment's hesitation...because I personally have no doubt that she truly knows and loves the Lord...or that she even knows that she knows.

The way I see it, doubt welcomes an opportunity to trust. To know that despite our human limitations and weaknesses, that we are holding on to something that sometimes doesn't make much sense. I think this happens most when we most want what God is not giving us--because it then becomes harder to see Him at work around us. But what about all of the ways that we do see Him at work--and have seen Him work. We cannot forget those times--we must not forget those times.

One of my favorite sections of Scripture is Psalm 90. It is a psalm of Moses. It starts off by saying, "Lord, you have been our dwelling place throughout all generations." Moses goes on to trace who the Lord has been and what the Lord has done...to remind those listening of God's track record. This then builds up to his plea, "Relent, O Lord! How long will it be? Have compassion on your servants. Satisfy us in the morning with your unfailing love, that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days." Moses wants to continue to see God work the way that He has in past generations.

I have a mentor who always emphasizes the importance of my lens...if I choose to see the world in a negative and pessimistic way, then I will. I will see the crime and the pain and the injustice and the poverty and the list goes on. The world will look bleak. But I can also choose to see the world through a different lens...a kingdom lens. This is not to say that God Himself does not see the bleakness and that we as Christians shouldn't see it as well...but we must choose to look at it with the Lord's perspective on it. His lens is a redemptive one.

So, it is with all of that said that in our pain and our waiting and our confusion...and in the times when the Lord seems so silent and so far away...we must continue to hold on to what we know is true. Ask the Lord to show you the ways that He has worked in your life...ask Him to show you the ways that He has worked throughout the span of time...and from that get to a place of knowing that He is going to keep working, both for your good and for the good of all humanity.