So I had to take an assessment test for the Life Group that I am a part of...I wasn't really sure going into it what exactly it was going to "assess" about me...though I LOVE stuff like this so I was ready for whatever it said...or so I thought. Turns out the assessment is based on Ephesians 4:7, 11-12 and is meant to determine where you fall in the five ministry structures (or leadership styles) addressed in those verses.
I wasn't surprised at all when my top mode of leadership came out as Shepherding. What can I say, I absolutely LOVE walking with people through life...nurturing them, protecting them, caring for them...as they seek and grow in the Lord.
So, while I wasn't at all surprised by my top leadership strength, the second one caught me a bit by surprise. Prophetic. Really?!? Not that it is bad at all...just not a word I usually attach to my ministry or leadership style. I think I have been operating in a misunderstanding of the word for a long time now...and I suppose it is time for that to be corrected. Reading through the description was an "ah-hah" moment for me...it made many past experiences all of a sudden make sense...such as why I have felt such resistance from people at times when I felt such a need for something to happen in the church and why others just didn't see it the same way. Some of the key characteristics that stood out are "questions what has become normative", "disturbs common thinking and practice", "desires learning for purposes to influence", and "deep compassion for the cause of the people".
I really do love how the Lord has wired us all so differently...even though it does lead to frustration at times when we don't all see things the same way. I really do believe, though, that it is possible to get to a place where we are all appreciating and honoring the unique ways that the Lord has shaped us...our strengths, our giftings, our stories...it is crazy to think how unique we all are...and how the Lord desires to use each of us in that uniqueness. Such a fun life...and such a great God.
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Sunday, December 7, 2008
Doubt
I had a friend share last night that she doubts in God's existence...a lot...and this worries her...a lot. On went the counseling hat :) Yes, doubt can be bad...and even wrong...if we allow ourselves to pitch a tent and camp there. But the fact that my friend feels the way that she does didn't cause me a moment's hesitation...because I personally have no doubt that she truly knows and loves the Lord...or that she even knows that she knows.
The way I see it, doubt welcomes an opportunity to trust. To know that despite our human limitations and weaknesses, that we are holding on to something that sometimes doesn't make much sense. I think this happens most when we most want what God is not giving us--because it then becomes harder to see Him at work around us. But what about all of the ways that we do see Him at work--and have seen Him work. We cannot forget those times--we must not forget those times.
One of my favorite sections of Scripture is Psalm 90. It is a psalm of Moses. It starts off by saying, "Lord, you have been our dwelling place throughout all generations." Moses goes on to trace who the Lord has been and what the Lord has done...to remind those listening of God's track record. This then builds up to his plea, "Relent, O Lord! How long will it be? Have compassion on your servants. Satisfy us in the morning with your unfailing love, that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days." Moses wants to continue to see God work the way that He has in past generations.
I have a mentor who always emphasizes the importance of my lens...if I choose to see the world in a negative and pessimistic way, then I will. I will see the crime and the pain and the injustice and the poverty and the list goes on. The world will look bleak. But I can also choose to see the world through a different lens...a kingdom lens. This is not to say that God Himself does not see the bleakness and that we as Christians shouldn't see it as well...but we must choose to look at it with the Lord's perspective on it. His lens is a redemptive one.
So, it is with all of that said that in our pain and our waiting and our confusion...and in the times when the Lord seems so silent and so far away...we must continue to hold on to what we know is true. Ask the Lord to show you the ways that He has worked in your life...ask Him to show you the ways that He has worked throughout the span of time...and from that get to a place of knowing that He is going to keep working, both for your good and for the good of all humanity.
The way I see it, doubt welcomes an opportunity to trust. To know that despite our human limitations and weaknesses, that we are holding on to something that sometimes doesn't make much sense. I think this happens most when we most want what God is not giving us--because it then becomes harder to see Him at work around us. But what about all of the ways that we do see Him at work--and have seen Him work. We cannot forget those times--we must not forget those times.
One of my favorite sections of Scripture is Psalm 90. It is a psalm of Moses. It starts off by saying, "Lord, you have been our dwelling place throughout all generations." Moses goes on to trace who the Lord has been and what the Lord has done...to remind those listening of God's track record. This then builds up to his plea, "Relent, O Lord! How long will it be? Have compassion on your servants. Satisfy us in the morning with your unfailing love, that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days." Moses wants to continue to see God work the way that He has in past generations.
I have a mentor who always emphasizes the importance of my lens...if I choose to see the world in a negative and pessimistic way, then I will. I will see the crime and the pain and the injustice and the poverty and the list goes on. The world will look bleak. But I can also choose to see the world through a different lens...a kingdom lens. This is not to say that God Himself does not see the bleakness and that we as Christians shouldn't see it as well...but we must choose to look at it with the Lord's perspective on it. His lens is a redemptive one.
So, it is with all of that said that in our pain and our waiting and our confusion...and in the times when the Lord seems so silent and so far away...we must continue to hold on to what we know is true. Ask the Lord to show you the ways that He has worked in your life...ask Him to show you the ways that He has worked throughout the span of time...and from that get to a place of knowing that He is going to keep working, both for your good and for the good of all humanity.
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
My first ever AA meeting...
No, I am not an alcoholic. But I did go to an AA meeting tonight. I went as a support to someone who needed to go and I went not really knowing what to expect from the experience. I did pray for us before we went in...nothing too extreme...just that the Lord would help us through it and bless us in the midst of it. And did He ever. I love how God never ceases to amaze.
Several things stood out to me tonight that I am still processing but here are the pre-processed thoughts: 1) How much God loves us. How even when we "relapse" and go right back to the thing that we know is not good for us, He still welcomes us back, and loves us just the same. 2) How much we are our own worst critic. I seriously wonder how much less we would all be screwed up if we learned to just give ourselves grace and the same room to learn lessons that we so much more easily give other people. 3) How much pain there is in this world...to the extent that so many need to numb it or ignore it by abusing a substance. My heart ached for the women who shared their stories tonight...even in just the short 3-minutes they were given. 4) Hope. Where would any of us be without hope. Hope for something better, hope for change, hope for peace...without it, none of those women would have been sitting in that room sharing about the change in their lives and how they are changing. I am so thankful for the One who is changing them. 5) Lastly, I am so excited to be going into the field that I am. It is such an honor and a privilege to come alongside people who desire to see change happen in their lives and to be a help to them. I continue to see the pieces of my life fall into place and it overwhelms me with gratitude.
God is good.
Several things stood out to me tonight that I am still processing but here are the pre-processed thoughts: 1) How much God loves us. How even when we "relapse" and go right back to the thing that we know is not good for us, He still welcomes us back, and loves us just the same. 2) How much we are our own worst critic. I seriously wonder how much less we would all be screwed up if we learned to just give ourselves grace and the same room to learn lessons that we so much more easily give other people. 3) How much pain there is in this world...to the extent that so many need to numb it or ignore it by abusing a substance. My heart ached for the women who shared their stories tonight...even in just the short 3-minutes they were given. 4) Hope. Where would any of us be without hope. Hope for something better, hope for change, hope for peace...without it, none of those women would have been sitting in that room sharing about the change in their lives and how they are changing. I am so thankful for the One who is changing them. 5) Lastly, I am so excited to be going into the field that I am. It is such an honor and a privilege to come alongside people who desire to see change happen in their lives and to be a help to them. I continue to see the pieces of my life fall into place and it overwhelms me with gratitude.
God is good.
Sunday, October 5, 2008
I don't understand...
Tonight at the Stirring was SO SO SO good. Seriously. There are few other topics on the planet that stir my spirit as much as making disciples...and though I very rarely call it that, it is no doubt what I do and what I love more than anything else. It is what comes to mind every morning when I get up...it is what motivates and excites me about each day...it is what I think about throughout my day...and it is what I reflect on as I finish my day. Those I walk with...as I more often call it...are always on my mind.
What I don't understand...and yet do understand simply because of who God is...is why I get to live such an incredible life. Seriously. I know it's pointless to question the Lord...and it is completely contrary to His call on my life to say that I don't deserve it and He picked the wrong person, but so often I just really don't understand how I've been given so much and why the Lord chooses to use me the way He does.
So many things tonight hit home for me. Who I am today is not who I have always been. I used to hate myself. I used to hate my life...to the point of daily wanting to end my life. I wanted so desperately at one point to have a life that mattered...that had significance and value...but at that point I had no idea how to get there. I used to be terrified of people...to the point that I refused to go anywhere by myself (ie Simpson cafeteria or church) because I was scared to death of fending for myself and...gasp...getting to know new people. I also used to have no encouragement for others...so often I wanted to say something encouraging to a friend or a co-worker and I had absolutely no idea how to utter those words from my lips...no idea at all. I was beyond socially awkward and so so so uncomfortable in my own skin. I did a decent job of hiding it...mostly because I also had no idea how to share what I was really thinking with a single person either. That was my past reality.
I seriously praise the Lord all the time for the life I get to live today...for the fact that my past reality is not my present reality. I honestly could not tell you when the change started happening...but it was both gradual and sudden. I know there were key people who the Lord chose to use...people who I will forever thank the Lord for placing in my life. One person is my best friend, Carissa, who is the first person in my life who I ever trusted with the real me. Her unconditional love and support showed me that the real me wasn't as scary as I once thought it to be. Another person is my mentor, Nancy, who has taught me more about the Lord in the last few years alone than I have learned in the entire 12 years of knowing Him.
In addition to these two women, I can also say with absolute certainty that I would not be where I am today without some other very special young women who are in my life. For almost 4 years I have known Libbie and Jamie...and there are others I have met since that time as well. What a privilege it has been to walk alongside them and grow with them. I have never in all my life known a greater honor.
Tonight I had the honor of one of them thanking me for what I have done for her--and really, I feel I am the one who should be thanking her. She has so often been the voice of God in my life and a tangible expression of His love for me...she has done far more for me than she will ever know...though I often try to tell her.
Discipleship...or walking alongside someone...has always been about inviting others into the journey I am already on. God is so incredibly good and so infinitely huge and we will never run out of things to learn about Him...in community.
Thanks, Nathan, for reminding us tonight that the greatest call of all is to simply love and make disciples. Sure, this can look a variety of different ways, but I pray now that I would never stop asking the Lord if there is someone new He would like me to meet.
What a good night. What a great life.
John 17:20-21...My prayer is not for them alone. I pray also for those who will believe in me through their message, that all of them may be one, Father, just as you are in me and I am in you. May they also be in us so that the world may believe you have sent me.
What I don't understand...and yet do understand simply because of who God is...is why I get to live such an incredible life. Seriously. I know it's pointless to question the Lord...and it is completely contrary to His call on my life to say that I don't deserve it and He picked the wrong person, but so often I just really don't understand how I've been given so much and why the Lord chooses to use me the way He does.
So many things tonight hit home for me. Who I am today is not who I have always been. I used to hate myself. I used to hate my life...to the point of daily wanting to end my life. I wanted so desperately at one point to have a life that mattered...that had significance and value...but at that point I had no idea how to get there. I used to be terrified of people...to the point that I refused to go anywhere by myself (ie Simpson cafeteria or church) because I was scared to death of fending for myself and...gasp...getting to know new people. I also used to have no encouragement for others...so often I wanted to say something encouraging to a friend or a co-worker and I had absolutely no idea how to utter those words from my lips...no idea at all. I was beyond socially awkward and so so so uncomfortable in my own skin. I did a decent job of hiding it...mostly because I also had no idea how to share what I was really thinking with a single person either. That was my past reality.
I seriously praise the Lord all the time for the life I get to live today...for the fact that my past reality is not my present reality. I honestly could not tell you when the change started happening...but it was both gradual and sudden. I know there were key people who the Lord chose to use...people who I will forever thank the Lord for placing in my life. One person is my best friend, Carissa, who is the first person in my life who I ever trusted with the real me. Her unconditional love and support showed me that the real me wasn't as scary as I once thought it to be. Another person is my mentor, Nancy, who has taught me more about the Lord in the last few years alone than I have learned in the entire 12 years of knowing Him.
In addition to these two women, I can also say with absolute certainty that I would not be where I am today without some other very special young women who are in my life. For almost 4 years I have known Libbie and Jamie...and there are others I have met since that time as well. What a privilege it has been to walk alongside them and grow with them. I have never in all my life known a greater honor.
Tonight I had the honor of one of them thanking me for what I have done for her--and really, I feel I am the one who should be thanking her. She has so often been the voice of God in my life and a tangible expression of His love for me...she has done far more for me than she will ever know...though I often try to tell her.
Discipleship...or walking alongside someone...has always been about inviting others into the journey I am already on. God is so incredibly good and so infinitely huge and we will never run out of things to learn about Him...in community.
Thanks, Nathan, for reminding us tonight that the greatest call of all is to simply love and make disciples. Sure, this can look a variety of different ways, but I pray now that I would never stop asking the Lord if there is someone new He would like me to meet.
What a good night. What a great life.
John 17:20-21...My prayer is not for them alone. I pray also for those who will believe in me through their message, that all of them may be one, Father, just as you are in me and I am in you. May they also be in us so that the world may believe you have sent me.
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
God is so good
It's midnight. I never used to be a night person. Somehow, now I am. I feel this new development is the Lord giving me a special dose of grace. I have to get through this crazy masters program somehow. I'm thankful--so very thankful--but I do find myself hoping I get to go back to being a morning person someday. I miss being a morning person.
So last week was ridiculous. Absolutely ridiculous. I feel like I lost a year of my life within last week alone. For the end of my 3rd class, I had a ton of work to get done...3 papers and a final. Within this same week I also had a mouse attempting to take over my townhouse, a clogged kitchen sink, a dishwasher leak (thanks to Mr. Mouse) and my roommate was in a car accident (see Sarah's blog for more info on how she is doing).
I got to the end of my class on Saturday and just had to thank the Lord for getting me through it--seriously, there is NO WAY I could have gotten through last week the way I did if it weren't for the Lord's stabilizing presence in my life. Even now, it has been so neat to see Him at work this week. Mouse is gone. Sink is clog-free. Dishwasher hose has been replaced. Sarah is on the mend and the Lord is blessing her incredibly in this time. God is just good.
Deut 33:12...Let the beloved of the Lord rest secure in Him, for He shields Him all day long, and the one the Lord loves rests between His shoulders."
So last week was ridiculous. Absolutely ridiculous. I feel like I lost a year of my life within last week alone. For the end of my 3rd class, I had a ton of work to get done...3 papers and a final. Within this same week I also had a mouse attempting to take over my townhouse, a clogged kitchen sink, a dishwasher leak (thanks to Mr. Mouse) and my roommate was in a car accident (see Sarah's blog for more info on how she is doing).
I got to the end of my class on Saturday and just had to thank the Lord for getting me through it--seriously, there is NO WAY I could have gotten through last week the way I did if it weren't for the Lord's stabilizing presence in my life. Even now, it has been so neat to see Him at work this week. Mouse is gone. Sink is clog-free. Dishwasher hose has been replaced. Sarah is on the mend and the Lord is blessing her incredibly in this time. God is just good.
Deut 33:12...Let the beloved of the Lord rest secure in Him, for He shields Him all day long, and the one the Lord loves rests between His shoulders."
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Lost anything lately?
This blog is unfortunately days overdue but I still wanted to post it. I was at a friend's house this weekend and she mentioned that she had lost her journal and she was desperate to find it. I took this on as a personal mission--I love challenges such as these. Knowing that she had intentionally hidden it while she had house guests in her home, I started thinking, "Where would I hide a journal?" While I was standing in her closet, the Lord (as only the Lord can do) impressed on me the need to bring Him into the quest. I really don't know why I hadn't immediately thought about that. I honestly, ever since I knew to ask for the Lord's help for even such silly things as a lost journal, He has never once failed me--I have ALWAYS found what was lost. So, I went out to the kitchen and asked my friend if she had asked for the Lord's help yet. She said she hadn't. Next thing I know I see a journal on the bookshelf of the living room--we immediately thought it was hers but it wasn't--but then what happened next happened so fast, we barely realized what it was until the end. After putting her husband's journal back on the bookshelf, my friend glanced at the books on the shelves and though she had looked there a number of times before, her journal was suddenly there. Did it magically appear? No. Could it have? Yes. Was it a miracle that it appeared in that moment? Absolutely. So often I think the Lord is eager to simply hear us say, "Help." He wants to help us find lost journals. And ultimately I feel He justs wants to be invited into our journey. We don't have to do it alone so why do we so often allow that to be our reality? Next time you lose something, seriously, ask the Lord to help you find it--I believe with every fiber of my being that the Lord is able to make it appear through any means necessary :)
Monday, July 21, 2008
Overwhelmed by the world God so loves...
Over the last 5 hours I have literally come full circle--from loving that I am back in school finally pursuing my dream of counseling, to questioning it all and wanting to quit, to once again knowing I am right where I am supposed to be. I am only 2 weeks into an 18-month program, and I am already overwhelmed by part of the world I seldom come into contact with. I found myself tonight feeling like the most judgmental person in the world as I listened to classmates share about their childhoods, praying all the while that the Lord would give me His heart for them, even if only a glimpse...something, anything!
One of our assignments over the next few weeks is to share our story from age 0-18 with a group of about 8. All the while tonight, I found myself dreading the experience when originally I had thought it wouldn't be so bad. I typically have no problem sharing about myself and live my life fairly openly in front of the people I know, love and am surrounded by--tonight I realized, though, just how separated I have become from the world, which I think is both good and bad for a variety of reasons. I don't want to be scared of the world I don't know. And I don't want to be ashamed of the world I do know.
I found myself tonight not wanting to share my story...because somehow after hearing the story of two of my classmates, my story instantly lost value in my mind. To those who have truly known poverty and abuse, my life is that from a fairytale. I always had a roof over my head, a sanitary environment, clean clothes that fit, a mom who read to me at night, parents who were involved in my life and encouragement to make something of myself. I still knew pain though. I knew rejection and heartache, and the truth that I have to remind myself of tonight is that my lack of what others have experienced doesn't devalue what I have. My journey is just that...mine. It has made me who I am and I know with every fiber of my being that God continues to bring purpose out of every moment of my life.
My hope after tonight is simply that I would continue to learn to love through this experience. And that I would continue to be thankful for everything that I have been blessed with in this life. It's ok that I haven't experienced it all...but what I need to continue to remember is there isn't a thing that the Lord hasn't walked through with any person that I might come in contact with in the future...He knows it all. And with His help, I can continue to open myself up to loving the least--I pray this is one area of many that I see Him work in this next season of my life.
One of our assignments over the next few weeks is to share our story from age 0-18 with a group of about 8. All the while tonight, I found myself dreading the experience when originally I had thought it wouldn't be so bad. I typically have no problem sharing about myself and live my life fairly openly in front of the people I know, love and am surrounded by--tonight I realized, though, just how separated I have become from the world, which I think is both good and bad for a variety of reasons. I don't want to be scared of the world I don't know. And I don't want to be ashamed of the world I do know.
I found myself tonight not wanting to share my story...because somehow after hearing the story of two of my classmates, my story instantly lost value in my mind. To those who have truly known poverty and abuse, my life is that from a fairytale. I always had a roof over my head, a sanitary environment, clean clothes that fit, a mom who read to me at night, parents who were involved in my life and encouragement to make something of myself. I still knew pain though. I knew rejection and heartache, and the truth that I have to remind myself of tonight is that my lack of what others have experienced doesn't devalue what I have. My journey is just that...mine. It has made me who I am and I know with every fiber of my being that God continues to bring purpose out of every moment of my life.
My hope after tonight is simply that I would continue to learn to love through this experience. And that I would continue to be thankful for everything that I have been blessed with in this life. It's ok that I haven't experienced it all...but what I need to continue to remember is there isn't a thing that the Lord hasn't walked through with any person that I might come in contact with in the future...He knows it all. And with His help, I can continue to open myself up to loving the least--I pray this is one area of many that I see Him work in this next season of my life.
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