Overwhelmed by the world God so loves...

Over the last 5 hours I have literally come full circle--from loving that I am back in school finally pursuing my dream of counseling, to questioning it all and wanting to quit, to once again knowing I am right where I am supposed to be. I am only 2 weeks into an 18-month program, and I am already overwhelmed by part of the world I seldom come into contact with. I found myself tonight feeling like the most judgmental person in the world as I listened to classmates share about their childhoods, praying all the while that the Lord would give me His heart for them, even if only a glimpse...something, anything!

One of our assignments over the next few weeks is to share our story from age 0-18 with a group of about 8. All the while tonight, I found myself dreading the experience when originally I had thought it wouldn't be so bad. I typically have no problem sharing about myself and live my life fairly openly in front of the people I know, love and am surrounded by--tonight I realized, though, just how separated I have become from the world, which I think is both good and bad for a variety of reasons. I don't want to be scared of the world I don't know. And I don't want to be ashamed of the world I do know.

I found myself tonight not wanting to share my story...because somehow after hearing the story of two of my classmates, my story instantly lost value in my mind. To those who have truly known poverty and abuse, my life is that from a fairytale. I always had a roof over my head, a sanitary environment, clean clothes that fit, a mom who read to me at night, parents who were involved in my life and encouragement to make something of myself. I still knew pain though. I knew rejection and heartache, and the truth that I have to remind myself of tonight is that my lack of what others have experienced doesn't devalue what I have. My journey is just that...mine. It has made me who I am and I know with every fiber of my being that God continues to bring purpose out of every moment of my life.

My hope after tonight is simply that I would continue to learn to love through this experience. And that I would continue to be thankful for everything that I have been blessed with in this life. It's ok that I haven't experienced it all...but what I need to continue to remember is there isn't a thing that the Lord hasn't walked through with any person that I might come in contact with in the future...He knows it all. And with His help, I can continue to open myself up to loving the least--I pray this is one area of many that I see Him work in this next season of my life.

My life's about to change...

I have known for some time now that I wanted to go back to school--pretty much have known that since I graduated with my BA--what can I say, I love school :) What I haven't known for some time is what I wanted to go back to school for--that has been a journey, but one that I wouldn't trade for anything else in the world.

My previous blog hit on what the journey has looked like for me to figure out who I am. It hasn't always been an easy road--in fact, there were moments and even seasons when I just wanted to kick it all to the curb and stay a jumbled mess, but thankfully, I hung in there. What I have learned along the way is how much I love helping people, and while I love helping people in just about any way I can, I especially love helping people find freedom in Christ. Freedom is one of my alltime favorite words.

I was struck yesterday in conversation with friends by how much has changed in my life--and I'm not talking small, expected life changes--I'm talking huge never-in-a-million-years-thought-it-could-change changes. The lies I used to buy not only about myself but about others as well are no longer an option, whereas there was once a day when I would accept them without even a second thought. Lies were my reality. Bondage was my reality.

I wouldn't be who I am today and I wouldn't have the hope that I have to offer others if I hadn't walked through it, and for that I am thankful. It is in this victory that I have arrived at the decision to return to school for an MA in Counseling Psychology and to pursue a Marriage and Family Therapy License. I have no idea where I am headed from this point forward and I have no idea how this degree will shape my path. I simply know that I desire nothing more than to see people be freed in the same ways that I have been freed--and for others to know that their present reality does not have to be their future reality.

Even in being certain that this is what I want to pursue, I have still toggled in my mind with whether it is the right school, and whether it is the right time, and whether it is the right degree--and then the director of the program said this at my intake interview: Being a Marriage and Family Therapist is about improving relationships--and all I can say is that it all seemed right. I can think of nothing more wonderful on this earth than helping people improve their relationships, whether with others or with themselves. I can also think of nothing more beautiful than being in a profession that is not overtly Christian and still being entirely about what Jesus is about. God desires for our relationships to be good, to be healthy and for us to be free from the damage of poor relationships.

I start school the first week of July and the program will take 18-months to complete. My life is going to look very different during that time, but the sacrifice is well worth it. I have no idea yet how I am going to change through the process, I only know that I will, and I can't wait. As with the rest of my life, every step of the journey is worth it--and simply being able to walk it all with the Lord is a privilege that I can't hardly even begin to put words to. It is for Him, with Him and because of Him that I take this next step into the unknown.

Why am I here?

Being a teenager was awful--sure, there were good moments and a handful of memories that still bring a smile to my face, but what I remember most about that season was the incredible loneliness, worthlessness and depression that I walked through to the point of wanting to take my life on several different occasions. Thankfully it was around the time that I was 19 that the Lord literally worked what I consider a miracle in my life when I realized the depression had left--and it has never again returned. My early twenties, while better than my teens, had its own challenges, most of which stemmed around overcoming that which I had walked through earlier on in my life.

The only reason I mention all of that is to emphasize to the highest exponential value possible how incredibly the Lord has worked in my life. I had no idea as a teenager who I was. I had no idea what I was put on this earth to do. Even as a young twenty-something, I didn't have any of this figured out. Sure, maybe by my early twenties I had a little more figured out than my teens, but really, I still found myself disliking more about myself than I liked--the scale was tipped on the wrong side.

I have loved my late twenties, which I cringe even at saying--LATE TWENTIES!!! What in the world?!? When did I get so old? It is with that said though, that I have to say in the same moment that I wouldn't trade it for the world--I love the spot I am in even with the age it is attached to because I have finally reached a point of loving who I am, faults and all, and knowing what it is that God has put me on this earth to do.

The journey has been incredible and God has been so good. What I have learned about myself over the past few years is the following...

Strengths (from Strengthsquest):
Relator - I love people
Connectedness - I connect the dots of life
Responsibility - you can count on me
Achiever - I have to accomplish something each day
Developer - I take something/someone from good to better

Spiritual Gifts:
Shepherding - I love walking through life with people
Wisdom - being a vessel of God's words
Service - meeting practical needs
Giving - giving is giving, what else can I say? :)
Discernment - spiritual differentiation of good and bad

Redemptive Gift: (see plumbline.org for this one)
Servant - I am wired to serve

I learned all of the above things at different times, but all within the same window of time, and as I kept learning new things about myself and resonating with each strength/gift, I literally had a light bulb go on in me each time there was something new determined. It was as if each new reality was lighting the way to me getting one step closer to recognizing who I am in Jesus and why I am here at this very moment in history. I felt like in a matter of months, I received an answer to a question that millions of people spend their lives chasing: "Why am I here?"

In one moment, I'm thinking, "Eek, I'm 28!" as though it's a bad thing to be that old already, but in another moment soon after, I'm thinking, "Wow, I'm 28" and I've still got the rest of my life to walk and grow in the strengths and gifts that have been given to me. What a blessing.

I have found over the last few years that I am happiest when I am walking in my strengths and gifts. It would be an absolute waste if I was to stay distracted with wanting what others have and not giving value to what God Himself has placed in me. I am so blessed to be at a place where I love what He's given me. I love serving--nothing makes me happier than making another person's day easier and meeting their practical needs. I love discipling--nothing makes me happier than walking alongside someone who needs a supporter, someone to tell them that they are going to make it and that it will someday all be worth, someone to say, "I've been there and it sucked but look at how the Lord has been faithful" and someone to simply share in the journey so a person isn't alone in it. I also love to be used by the Lord--to be trusted by Him to impart His wisdom on others. So often I have had the most ridiculous words come out of me that seriously were not from me. It is moments like those when I literally have to pause and shake my head in wonder and amazement at the incredible life I get to walk with Jesus.

I loved the last two weeks at the Stirring--I am thankful this is a journey I have already been on for the last few years--and I am thankful to be able to lend the experience of my journey to others who are just now beginning on their own. There is absolutely nothing better on this earth than walking in the love of Jesus--and I can't help but believe that some of our best moments of loving are when we are most walking with Him in the gifts He has given us to live our lives at their best. Why would we want anything less?

Undeserved, unexpected and so much better!

I had the opportunity this weekend to reflect on my life. I was looking forward to this weekend’s Stirring women’s retreat mostly to get to know some new people--and to get to know those I already knew a little bit better--and then I started getting sick and felt like the weekend might not be as much fun as I had previously hoped it would be. I think that’s what makes this blog ten times more amazing though than it ever could have been had I not been feeling so not myself.

While there are circumstances in my life that I would love to see change, this weekend they seemed so small in comparison to the greater scope of my life. My life...and most importantly what Jesus has done in my life...overwhelms me. I remember commenting to a friend a few years ago that parts of my past felt made-up in my mind because of how much had changed for me--well, if I thought that was true a few years ago, it is infinitely more true now. My life is SO SO SO good and I absolutely love it. This can be a hard reality only when in the presence of people who do not share this sentiment about their own life, but it doesn’t change the fact that this is my reality and it is a reality that is available to everyone else as well.

Everything...absolutely everything...that has changed in me or my life has been so much more incredible than I ever could have imagined for myself at one point in my life. Everything from my job to my friends to my family to my ministry to my hopes and dreams for my future...God has far exceeded it all. I really felt the need this weekend to pause and reflect on how incredibly He has shown His love and delight in me in all that He has blessed me with. Not in a million years do I deserve it and there is absolutely no way that I ever expected it--and that is what makes it so 100% Him and 0% me.

God is to be glorified for it all and without Him none of my life would be, though the one thing I do feel I have done in cooperation with Him is I have given Him the door to my life. There were many times years ago that I refused to let Him in--refused to change and held onto the comfort of my misery with clenched fists. It’s been such a gradual letting go process, grieving, healing, renewing and growing and as I have opened myself to the Lord and what He has for me, He has done a work in me that can only be credited to Him.

I am so thankful for the many people in my life who have walked it all out with me--they have been tangible daily expressions of Jesus' love for me and it is because of their impact on me that I am now able to live out my life in a way that is impacting others for the Kingdom. I pray that I never cease to remember all that the Lord has done for me and all that He desires to continue to do as I live each day for Him.

So, a husband would be nice...

So, I feel at this point in my life that I’ve waited a VERY LONG time for a husband--most days are better than some and lately I have found myself thanking the Lord a lot that overall I really do love my life. I am so blessed to be where I am in life--figuring out my journey of faith alongside amazing people.But that’s not the purpose of this blog--the purpose of this blog is to declare to all that I am tired of doing it all myself--TIRED! So, here’s the story--I learned this past Christmas that pasta can NOT go down the garbage disposal--one would naturally think it could but I learned that what one thinks rationally is not always correct. I ended up having to call the maintenance guy and pay $40 for him to unclog the drain. So this week, my roommate put spinach down the disposal--again, a totally rational thought in my mind that spinach would have no problem going down. WRONG! SO SO WRONG!!! We ended up with clogged kitchen sink 2 in a matter of months and this time I refused to pay another $40 for 10 minutes of the maintenance guy’s time-REFUSED!!! So, I decided to venture into the great unknown and take apart the pipes under the sink--had no idea which ones to take apart and had no idea whether I was going to get them back together but, by golly, I was willing to try. Pipe 1, nothing! Pipe 2, lots of water and then success! Spinach!!! I had a bit of trouble, no rather, quite a bit of trouble, getting the pipes put back together tightly enough, thus the great desire for a husband! I would have much rather been patting him on the back for a job well done than doing it myself but high-five me I suppose. Please, Lord, soon?!?

Family

This last week at church, Dan talked about family--basically that we all need it--and basically that we are all able to have it even if what we were handed biologically leaves a little to be desired. I've thought many times about this theme of "family" before and was reminded on Sunday of all the things that the Lord has already pointed out to me--really, He has simply shown me ways that He has provided what was previously missing in my life and drastically changed my life as a result.

My family is so great and I do love them a lot but I grew up in a very typical American home that was void of God. I have no doubt that God was at work in my life throughout my childhood regardless of whether He was invited into my home or not, but it wasn't until I was 16 that I became aware that He had been there with me all along.

Since that time, I have been on many incredible journeys in my faith, all of them intertwining and intermingling and while I have learned from them all, it is the journey of "family" that has left one of the most impressionable marks on me. The family I have come to know in the body of Christ has given me a "home" to discover myself in--to walk into my gifts, talents and strengths in a way I never before could have without that foundation of support in my life. When my own immediate family couldn't understand my journey of faith, my church family could. When my immediate family couldn't understand the things I needed to change about myself to move me closer to Jesus, my church family could. And when I was tormented by the things from my past that I didn't want to take into my future, my church family could and covered me in prayer often times without me even needing to ask.

There are instantly names that come to mind when I think of my "church family." It has changed some over the years and it will continue to change as I move forward with my life, but the one thing that will never change is the kingdom value those individuals have had on me. They showed me unconditional love when all I knew was love with conditions. They showed me strength when all I felt was fear. They showed me acceptance when all I knew was rejection. They showed me Jesus.

I share Dan's prayer: that there would be no one without a family--and what this implies is that there would be NO ONE without deep, committed, intentional relationships. We can all find "people" to fill our lives with but what truly makes them family is if they stick around to see you at your worst, loving you even when you're a jerk and sacrificially giving of themselves for you simply because they love you. If this seems impossible to you, let me assure you that it's not. There were many times in my life when I never thought it was possible to have the kinds of relationships I now have--the "family" I now have--and as silent as God may have seemed for so long, really He wasn't because all the while He was with me, forming me and changing me. He never let go of me in the same way that He will never let go of you--on that promise you can stand.

The joy of a crown...

I can't believe it's been so long since I last blogged and I especially can't believe that I am blogging about what I am about to blog about as my reentry into the blogging system but a person has to start somewhere so maybe this will lead to future blogs that will come more sooner than later.

I had a dentist appointment this morning to have two crowns put on. Not a fun visit by any means. What made it so great, though, was that as I was pulling into the parking lot and getting out of my car, I asked the Lord to allow me to be a blessing to my dentist...whatever that looked like...that even though his office was one of the last places I wanted to be, that somehow I would make his day even better because of my time spent in his dental chair.

I don't know why I end up surprised when God answers such prayers as the one I spoke this morning but today He did just that. I heard from both the assistant and the dentist how great it was to start the day with me as their patient. Such a simple request and yet I was able to walk away so much more blessed knowing that God used me and was at work even in the midst of dental work being done. It's hard to put my finger on the feeling I had as I was returning to my car, but it was almost as though my soul sighed with the pleasure of knowing that God lives in me.

I share this with nothing else in mind but to encourage anyone who reads this to invite the Lord into even the most mundane and unpleasant of things and I pray you continue to be blown away time and time again by how much He uses such a simple request to bring a bit of Heaven to earth.